Nov 26, 2008

Thanks before the giving

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It always starts on the car ride home, or car rides in general. Have you ever had any versions of deja' vu that had just appeared to be set forth right in front you, leaving you stunted in a very surreal moment? Dropping off some strangler shoe boxes given to my mother at a Lutheran church site, I never had felt that kind of sensation before. Well, I have, but not in a long time. It's a pretty akward trance, and the feelings were as if I hadn't woken up from those types of multiple broken dreams.

Last night's Leadership extravaganza at the Adair's house was experience my eyes haven't seen in a while. Entertainment. Laughter. Fellowship. Being a part of something. I hadn't seen Kyle and Karli together in an unchurched setting in a while. Spending time and listening to the conversations of some new friends I met, Andrew and Nick, created lots of laughter and the talk. There were two other guys, one named, in which I try remember his face, as Noah (another kid with glasses, I noted), and the other guy I don't know his name, except that he was ungodly scrawny and looked like his bones would split out of his skin at any moment if he had hurt himself. Miranda, Beth, Karli, Tracy, and I were the girls. I had found out that Nick's real name is Nickolas (however it's spelt) and he's half Korean, but was born in Germany. So, I'm guessing that one of his parents is German and the other is Korean. Andrew, well, he's Norwegian and must have offered himself as a sacrifice to the military because during our tableside conversations, Don, Beth, and him were talking about the different ranks of the certain parts of the military and how they are called by different names in each area, as they trying to figure out what rank a member of our church was after a comment was made by Amanda that there was a girl who she'd look like (but older) who is his wife.

My favorite quote of the evening was, "I want to learn how to dance, Kyle! Not like, Hip-Hop or anything, but something like line dancing. I wouldn't want the instructor to be a woman. They're too cruel. I would go straight for the gay men, because they at least make women feel good about themselves!" by Karli.
Kyle started laughing and staring down Karli. I laughed because I had noticed an innuendo, in which he did too.
"Straight for the Gay men, huh Karli?"
*giggles up a bit more*

It wasn't until the car ride (back home, again) that Tracy, after talking with her boys on the phone, asking them "Will you commit?" to doing a chore inside of the house, and saying "I love you" every time I suspected that they burnt her with cigarette language, that we started talking about how the terrible experiences of life that we all face is just like Jesus's story in the Bible. The Bible, as a whole novel/book/diary, or whateveryouwannacallit - is our story of our salvation, but an example of God's love for us in illustration too. His story is our story. Our story is his. Just by hearing Tracy's words of commitment and love, even though her boys weren't listening to her or didn't want to do the task that she had asked for them to do, instead of giving them money (or their own ticket for trouble) reminded me of the wrestle I have, we all have, each day with God and our being.

Later on, I thought back to when I was with my mom. How separate and yet at the same time how similar we are. It sucks balls to work with her, and how much at the same time, I want to have a life of my own and apart from the whole family. I'd rather be alone and do things on my own time. I want to stay and at the same time I don't, because it gets annoying. Other times I get extremely terrified of leaving. It's as if, "OMGSH! Cassie's out!? What the hell? How did that happen?! It's like she's never been OUT before!" I can feel the growing pains each night, as I am alone in my room, and I thrash to my mental music, or I wane such a grimace because I hate it I hate it I absolutely HATE THIS. So, I fight with God, myself, and towards other people.

To sum it up - I'd much rather be on the other half of the world or in Texas, because living is cheap and experience is high there. If I ticket landed on my doorstep, anywhere, anyplace, anytime, I'd pack my bags and go and not come back. Like 30 Seconds To Mars (my new favoritest band!) and their song of Capricorn.

My mom's words of how "selfish these kids are!" struck a chord inside of me for this Christmas. No, she's not the one to blame (yes, yes she is), but it has gotten me to realize some more of what I don't want for Christmas so I'll continue to neglect myself. Here I am buying presents for everyone else that I know, so the chunk is taken out of me and not for them. It's all I want, I guess, is to be cut deeply and bled from that in my heart, than to have them turn the tables around. All I want is to find my joy and then be around people for the holidays, because I found that people last longer than material things do. I've already taken too much from my family during a certain time in my life, so I don't deserve any more from them than what is necessary - a home to stay and live in and for them to not abandon me (my greatest fear) without the knowledge of what action I'm going to take, next.

I think it'll hurt me the most if I get gifts this Christmas.
I'm already crying here just thinking about it.

Spirits are everlasting, in other words, than whatever hellish creations this world makes up.

... but warm mugs of Creme Brule' flavored coffee can be a nice flavoring to that track.
I'd take another cup of that as I'm going down.